Like it like a hole in my head

When I am alone for an extended period of time I try to drown it out. What an amazing fear it is. I start to think about a all the movies I could watch even before I am alone. Or I get inspired to write a song. I’ll start to write the first half of the song then decide it sucks and give up on it forever. I’m like that. I do it all the time.

I feel like when I am alone I should just start to delight in God and his nearness and just take advantage of the great opportunity I have to spend time with just Him. I feel obligated to have a good prayer time and maybe lie on the floor and have a good cry to the latest worship CD I got. I feel the obligation of silence and solitude in these times. All the discipline. I can’t deny that I have been avoiding silence and solitude to some extent. I want them but they are just so uncomfortable that I try to escape them.

I want silence and solitude in the same way I want to be an “independent music guy” or like emo.” I want to listen to all theses obscure artists and wear the kind of clothes that the obscure people who listen to the obscure artists wear. And I don’t want to try to do it. You can tell which people are trying to be obscure and which people are . . . or maybe you can’t.

Just the same I can’t be obscure because I like the clothes at the Gap and American Eagle and I like to many Christian bands like the David Crowder Band or Jars of Clay. It’s the same reason I can’t be vegan. I like hamburgers and frozen burritos. It’s pretty hard being me.

This relates to silence and solitude in that I want it and admire the people who practice it but I can’t do it because I just can’t seem to make the sacrifice. I don’t know anybody who does. Maybe that’s part of the problem.